Oiflashari’s Weblog

This year has beena great year! I’ve grown in my willingness and ability to give and receive love and out of that my worldview has altered to be more love orientated. But underlying all this growth and desire to reach out to others has been an apathy ans a passivity. I’ve been questioning God about where my passion has gone and why it’s gone, passion doesn’t just leave one day there has to be a series of choices that I’ve made that have led to a deviation form what I was once passionate about.

I have been very focused on developing a personal relationship with my Living God and Heavenly Father  and that has been such a worthwhile investment of my time because it’s essential for my life, I can’t live without Him, I tried and I bombed!

All this to say that, whilst I was in Paris God showed me that I didn’t fully realize that I now live in the Kingdom of Light, I still thought that if I mess up I’m back where I started, in the dark, all alone, nowhere to go for comfort etc. But I began to see that once I am adopted as God’s child, that’s it, I’m in! I am in the Kingdom of Light for now and forever more. A few weeks after Paris when I was at home in Wales I was again questioning my reason for living and for getting up in the morning, I have no practical skills that are of much use to anyone so I struggle with feeling useful sometimes, but God showed me that I have a daily purpose, to advance His Kingdom here on earth. To me, that means bringing truth, love, justice and joy into every situation and relationship. With this simple, yet significant revelation I am now growing in my daily and long term purpose for living, and the best thing is that these things will continue into eternity just without the crap along side it!

So, bring on the Kingdom of God eh?

A glimpse into the more academic aspect of my course with YWAM;

Book I am reading for my course

Understanding Leadership, Tom Marshall

Developing the Leader Within You, John Maxwell

Developing the Leaders Around You, John Maxwell

Mentoring for Misions, Gunter Krallmann

Assignments for my course

We have to write reports on the above books

2,500 paper on my Personal Vison/Mission statment

3,500 word paper on Mentoring Approach

3, 500 word paper on Self-leadership

5000 word paper on Ministry Planning and Strategy

I have been visiting a lady called Carol on a weekly basis for the past 3 months. it’s pretty tough going because I come face to face with my own weaknesess as I come along side her to try and help her make sense of the mess of her life. She has deopression, has tried to kill herself many times, she’s been raped, her children have been taken from her etc. She is a hoarder and her house is extremely cluttered. She finds it quite despairing but she really wants to overcome!!!!

I was all set to go see her last friday but I had been struggling with old patterns of thinking. I woke up on the Friday in total despair at my own life, I felt I had no joy, no hope and no life. I stayed in bed late but then jined the rest of my team for the moring’s activities. at 1pm I shared my struggles with my team and they prayed for me. A fighting spirit rose up within me and a determination to cycle the 30 minute journey in the pouring rain to go and prove to Carol that I loved her and that Jesus loved her and that there is always hope!!!

I arrived at Carol and God’s life flowed through me. I brought joy, life, laughter, hope, encouragement, enthusiaism and love to Carol and her husband! An hour previously I had no hope for myself but when we are determined to put others aboove ourselves and stubbornly persist in believeing that there is always hope for breakthrough, God meets us there and His power is released in our lives to do things that we could no way do by ourselves.

Keep it real guys! Keep your eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith.

Ezekiel 36

²⁵ “Then I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean. Your filth will be washed away, and you will no longer worship idols. ²⁶ And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart.^{[b] 27} And I will put my Spirit in you so that you will follow my decrees and be careful to obey my regulations.

It’s a long story but basically I never knew God could heal a broken heart. My heart was shattered into a million smithereens and I’d lost hope of the pain ever going away. One of our lecturers prayed with me for hours one night, I just sobbed and sobbed like a baby. As she prayed I had a picture of God picking up the shards of broken heart and He threw them out of the window, as He did so they turned into petals and flew on the spring breeze! He healed my broken heart and now I feel that it’s safe to feel pain because I can handle it. I’ve been asking God to be able to feel what He feels and now that I have a new heart from Him I believe I will be able to do so, so that I can be moved by love and compassion into intercession and action.

I was born with athsma, it was a hereditaray disease that my grandad and mother had also suffered with. As a child I spent weeks in hospital and had to have a nebuliser at home – I wasn’t ashamed of the fact that I had to use a nebuliser, in fact I loved playing up to my friends and pretending to be Darth Vader with steam coming out of my nostrils, ti hi! I don’t think my times at hospital were particulary traumatic either, I always had a room overlooking the helicopter pad so I loved that and I always managed to make a friend on the children ward to create mischief with. I do remember having to drink goats milk instead of cows milk for a while but I think I enjoyed the novelty of being different and also the novelty of having to take an inhaler before exercise.

As a family we would go to the Lake Distirct on holiday every autumn and, without fail, I would end up going to the local surgery to hire a nebuliser for the week! It was annoying to have asthma. I had begun to grow out of it at one point but then I had chicken pox and it went on my lungs so it all started up again. Then I spent many years smoking so I’m sure that didn’t help at all!!!

I spent 2 months in Switzerland in October 2007. Before I went a friend of mine spent some time praying with me about issues I’d had in my life and on one occasion we prayed about the root cause of my asthma, I just began coughing and coughing so hard it was like the disease was leaving me. Another friend who is a doctor reminded me to take my inhaler to Switzerland incase I needed it while I was over there. On the first morning in the Alpes I decided to go jogging with my room mate, I went to take a puf from my brand new inhaler but it was empty so I had to go running without it. The conditions were ripe for wheeziness; altitude, cold autumn morning air, exercise… But I didn’t even wheeze!!!! And I have now been free from asthma for a year and a half! How cool is that?

A conference titled ‘Church Planting and Strengthening’ was held by Wales Wide in Newtown on Thursday the 12^th of March. I wasn’t planning on going but when I mentioned it to my leaders here at YWAM York they encouraged me that it could be a good opportunity to hear about what has been happening in Wales and to catch a glimpse of the hope for the future. So I decided to go but I didn’t really want to go by myself so my friend and course leader, Jennifer Locke, faithfully accompanied me to Newton on the 5.55am train from York!

The early start was well worth it! It was so uplifting to see over 100 church and para-church leaders from Wales gathered together with one purpose; to see the Kingdom of God extended and grown into fullness in Wales. We cannot deny the denominational and theological differences we all have but we can lay those aside and come together to see how we can work together from this point forth. How awesome and powerful is that message? And this conference was more than preaching a message of unity, it begun a process of demonstrating and living out that message!

I enjoyed the 1^st seminar with Dai Hankey (Hill City Church, Trevethin) and John Parkin (St. Luke’s Church, Gellideg); they spoke of their personal experiences in setting up home and church in deprived communities in areas of the South Wales Valleys. This kind of ‘ministry’ is very close to my heart and it re-awakened my passion and vision to see something similar happening on the council estates of North Wales.

Mark Bennett from Towy Community Church, Carmarthen gave a challenging talk on ‘vision’ and how to pursue that vision and make it a reality. He and the other speakers were all speaking from their own experiences so the things they had to say carried some weight. It was an incredible opportunity for me and the younger people there to be able to glean such a wealth of experience from those who have gone before us!

So, it was an inspiring day where achievements were acknowledged, new dreams were birthed and some dream were revived. I would strongly encourage churches, leaders and individuals to get involved with Wales Wide in some shape or form and I would greatly encourage young leaders and women to rise up and dare to speak out their dream and ask for help in seeing those dreams come to fruition.

Links

www.waleswide.org

www.hillcitychurch.org

www.towychurch.co.uk

www.the-ark.net/

I didn’t go to church last year, I was questioning the purpose of church, I was withdrawing because of past hurt, I was challenging the necessity of church… and all that jazz. But the main thing I learnt was how critical and judgmental I was of church and people! I needed to repent of that.

On outreach I began to regain my passion for worship, mainly because we had to but by the end I enjoyed it and saw that it was one way among many to meet with God. On outreach I also learnt that God meets with anyone who wants to meet with Him, I learnt to meet with God in whatever situation I was in, whatever style of church I was in, whatever language I was surrounded by etc. and now I can only see church as people. I don’t see denominations, I don’t see obstacles or hindrances, I just see people. I still see differences, some more obvious that others but I have learnt not to judge but to get my own heart right with God and enjoy being with other people!

I love the Ark because they’re so welcoming and open and honest. They don’t claim to have it all together but they do claim to know the One who does have it all together and we’re all on the journey together to discover who He is and to do our small part in introducing Him to others.

This year my main focus during local outreaches will be The Besom project. The Besom aims to help people give what they have to those who really need it, check out the website for more information; www.thebesominyork.co.uk/

Already this year I have been out in the van collecting beds, ovens, mattresses etc from people who don’t need them and delivered them to people who do. YWAM York, as a team, have also spent two days painting and decorating a house for a couple in our local area. The guy has been off the booze for 18 months which is amazing and his partner is following suit, they are both so keen to get their lives back on track that it was a pleasure to help them out in a practical way. I enjoy doing The Besom because I get to know people in my local area and I get to see the dire need of those living on my doorstep! It’s also very satisfying to see things change before your eyes, so many times the stuff we do as Church is relational and takes patience and persistence to see fruit but this is tangible.

So! Jesus took the punishment for my sins! How many times have I heard that phrase? A billion! But it has never ever made any sense to me! Until today! I went for a walk up a path that my mum designed when she worked for the National Trust, it’s one of my favourite spots, although I never went up it when she was alive – I was jealous or proud or something weird like that!

Anyway…. I have a weird OCD habit of picking my skin and I also have a bad history of binge eating! I am greatly ashamed of both these things and they are habits that I strive to be free from. I get confused with the thought of striving to be free, as a Christian maybe I ought to receive healing? But it’s hard to sit by and do nothing! But now that I’m thinking about it, as I write this, I might just try that – I haven’t got anywhere in my own efforts, maybe God can deliver?

Back to the point. I had a revelation today that God punished Jesus for all the crap stuff I’ve done! Jesus chose to step in and take my punishment for my bad stuff! Maybe I should know this as a Christian but I really didn’t get it! I carry a lot of guilt and shame for all the stuff I’ve ever done against anyone and I punish myself for it! I treat myself badly, I abuse my body, I don’t love nor respect myself because all I see is failure, disobedience, lying, cheating, stealing…..

But today I got a revelation that God is not going to punish me nor condemn me, Jesus took my punishment for me. Jesus took the pain of being beaten and scarred, He took the pain of being rejected by God, Jesus took it all – and I’ll never fully grasp that concept, but today I caught a glimpse of it!

I am forgiven. I am free from condemnation. Jesus has taken my punishment. I shouldn’t punish myself. I am free from guilt and condemnation. I am a new creation

This might all seem like Christian jargon that is hard to grasp the meaning of, and maybe it is. I’ve used the jargon since becoming a Christian but the truth is that God is indefinable and an experience of God is also hard to put into words. The Bible can try to put God and our experiences of God into words but it’ll never ‘click’ until we experience those words. And if we do experience those words it’ll be hard for us to describe to one another what it was really like.

One thing I do know is that God wants to be known. If we want to know Him all we have to do is ask!

Yn aml iawn mewn bywyd mae yna amgylchiadau yn codi sy’ allan o’n rheolaeth a’n hymddiriedaeth. Gall rhai pobl ymdopi â newidiadau a phethu annisgwl yn well nac eraill ohonom. Doeddwn i ddim yn gallu ymdopi’n iach efo sefyllfaoedd amrywiol bywyd ac roeddwn i’n chwilio am gysur mewn ffyrdd nad oeddent y iach; bwyd, rhyw, ysmygu, rhamantu, breuddwydio, yfed, cyffuriau, gwario…. Fy ffordd i o ymdopi oedd cesio dianc o’r sefyllfa; dianc o berthynas, dianc o reality, dianc rhag cyfrifoldeb ayyb.

Nid yw fy ffydd yn Nuw i fod yn grefyddol, mae fy mherthynas i â Duw yn berthynas cariad yr wyf wedi ei dewis. Felly nid condemnio ymddygiad ydw i ond awgrymu fod yna resymau cariadus y tu ôl i’r rhesymau am beidio troi at bethau ‘materol’ am gysur. Nid ydwyf yn credu mai ein condemnio y mae Duw ond yn hytrach yn ein gwahodd ato Ef i gael ein cysuro ganddo Ef.

Heddiw nes i droi at fwyd yn lle troi ato Ef! Ar ôl i mi orffen llenwi mola i gael cysur a cael fy atgoffa, am y milfed tro na all bwyd fy nghysuro, fe gofiais am dvd ‘Lump’, Nooma: www.nooma.com. Yn y dvd mae mab ifanc yn cael ei ddal allan gan ei fam ac mae’n rhedeg i fyny’r grisiau ac yn cuddio o dan y blancedi ar wely ei rieni, ac yn lle dod lawr at ei dad am gysur mae’n aros dan y blancedi am oriau nes ei fod yn dalp o chwys. Teimlais heno mai dyna ydw i’n ei wneud wrth fynd am gysur at fwyd, ne be bynnag, yn lle mynd at Dduw rwy’n cesio cuddio, anwybyddu, rhedeg i ffwrdd o’r hyn sy’n bod, ond does dim diben gwneud hynny oherwydd mi fyddai wastad yn gorfod dod allan i wynebu canlyniadau yr hyn yr wyf wedi ei wneud neu’r hyn yr wyf yn ei deimlo.

Y gwirionedd yw fod Duw yn anweladwy, mai’n cymryd fydd i gredu yn Ei fodolaeth ac i gredu ei fod yn bosib i ni gael ein cysuro ganddo. Dwi ond megis cychwyn ar y siwrnai o gredu fod Duw yn fy ngharu ac mai Ef yw fy nghysur, ond dwi’n ysu am Ei gariad a’I gysur.